Random Ramblings
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Three Months Left 6/09/03
Show And Tell was different this time. A far better experience than the last time, which left me flat on the floor. I did ramble after after that, it was so affecting me. This time my toy was a big hit-- all the kids wanted me to pass it around for a closer look. And upon close inspection, they all wanted it for their own, they wanted it as bad as anyone could want something, or so I prefer assume-- and none of their remarks or expressions contradicted this lovely assumption! Oh, it is beyond juvenile-- BEYOND. But it is human, to want. I know it's just a toy. But it's still a thrill not to be booed off the stage for holding up an old ragedy anne doll. The really old ones-- with a loose blue dress and a hat to hide the yarn hair. I was so taken by the desire of the other kids, that I have nearly given my toy away, perhaps out of pity-- but not really. Giving it away only confirms the extent of their jealousy-- for I have the best toy of all. Do you want to know what it is? Yes, it's a mug.
Dashing 5/20/03
Today I ran the Downtown Dash, a 2.6 mile race sponsored by New York Road Runners. It was exhilarating! But let me tell you, it was more than a little bit disturbing to be among a huge group of people running their asses off in downtown manhattan. We ran through Battery Park, where they have placed that big globe-like sculpture that used to sit in the World Trade Center Concourse. Used to see that every day. Only know it's all -- damaged of course. The whole run was beautiful and awesome and yet twilight zoney.
Fuck 5/1/03
Don't you just love foul language in bold type? Mom, forgive me. Anyway that is the topic of this ramble. A few nights in the past week, when I was awake into the wee hours, unable to sleep, I heard the weird thing. I suppose it was also because the weather has warmed up, and so I've been leaving my bedroom window open at night for comfort. But by god-- the sounds I have heard. Out of nowhere, this panting/screaming thing, I wish I could somehow type the noise-- it's very repetitive, the same little noise over and over. If she made the noise just one time, for it's 1 second duration, I'd say it sounded like she was receiving sort of very uncomfortable medical procedure. But higher pitched. And over and over and over. Dee- freaking- sgusting.
s'wonderful 4/24/03
Well let me tell you honey. I was walking today, on my way to le cafe de Madame Claude to sit and drink un cafe americain while je etudie--- when I walked past a hair salon. There was a large poster propped up on the sidewalk in front of the store, impossible to miss. And it said:
I came to a halt and pondered it for about 30 seconds, then concluded: No, that does not make any sense. I wanted so desparately to walk into the salon and ask for an explanation for such blatantly nonsensical advertising. But I realized that there was no way to phrase my question to make it sound sincerely curious-- it could only sound patronizing and mocking. So I kept walking. I sat in the cafe for a few hours, and I said the following (pardon my spelling): "Je voudrais le plateau du fromage" and "Puis je avoir une verre d'eaux" and "c'est magnifique! mais, je ne peux pas mange tout las fromages maintenant. Puis je prender cette avec moi?" Somehow she knew what I meant to say. She spoke lots of french back at me, and mostly I had to say just "Oui" and hope for the best, having only a clue as to what she has getting at. I could have said yes to the dessert special without knowing it-- luckily that did not happen, but rather she gave me some bread to take home. I hope that was free! I should have said "Combien coute cette, femme??"
wet 4/20/03
This weekend was not as sunny as they & I had predicted. My hopes were high but it rained, rained like I've never seen before. Saturday it was raining no less than 8 hours straight-- no break of light, no quiet, no dry comfort.
Saturday evening I pulled out a reliable lamp that generally shines as bright as a sun, and it did. But there's always a rub-- the bulb burned out by early Sunday, and it was back to the rain. Today is Sunday. I decided to have so many formulas and exams and pencils around me that I wouldn't notice the weather. I am amazed that despite the downfall I was able to plow through studying for such a long stretch, doing all that I set out to do. More amazing to me because the rain didn't stop at the windows-- I was in my office but the storm came right through-- the grey & dark & damp-- all over my desk and papers and up through my pencil into my hands which eventually shook from the cold. I've been feeling sick for 4 days, and believe me the rain doesn't help.
happy birthday 4/19/03
I should have a happy balloony rambling to make-- the spring appears to be poking it's head back into NYC again-- but alas I don't.
It's really pathetic to remember things from when you were 15. And so I have urges lately -- to drop my little classe du francais, to drop off the condo board, to stop talking to people, to sell my condo, and quit my job. But of course that won't turn things back to before I had them. It's not cute when your 28 and not 18. I remember when I was.. alright not 18, but I was 23, and I had nothing, I dropped my classes, quit my job, stopped payment on a rent check, threw away half my belongings. It was scary and incredibly exciting. I went straight to Graceland, with all my underwear and books in the back seat. You can imagine how fulfilling that was. Then I collapsed on the side of the highway, then sooner or later I made it to NY. Then took up waitressing. Oh that was fun, those were the days. Only through my romantic glasses though (wearing the glasses from the Fantasticks "Go on! Writhe some more!"). What is reminding me of this? That is the last time I can remember this feeling-- that feeling when you look in the mirror and your eyes aren't your eyes-- instead there is that vast-- you know. I can't type it. The color. As big as everything, like your eye sockets are a window, but this all fits in the mirror.
I remember seeing that in the mirror in austin, in the restroom at the Little City coffee shop near the capitol building.
I have a feeling this is all chemical. And maybe I just need to find the right detoxifying herbal tea to flush my system out. I haven't see the sun in so long, but I think it's out today so I'm going to try to drink that up. I have 5,398 things to do that are more important than drinking the sunshine, but... I'm weak and I'm giving into it.
the long day is over 3/16/03
feelin' tired
how many times do you repeatedly think the same thing before you do it? the sun will rise
2/18/03
I feel so puffed I could burst. Or I wish I could burst it out but I don't know how. Frustrating as all fugging get out. It's manifesting physically too-- I can see myself in the mirror now and I appear to be a big puff-ball with stick arms dangling at my sides. And I can feel my middle trying like gangbusters to split apart.
I'm hairless and I smell like a eucalyptus branch 2/5/03
let me complicate you
Just listening to the old school music again, from back in the day, as I type. To be that young again. I always looked forward to getting older, the more I would know and understand, the more things would make sense and the clearer life would be. Decisions would be easier. Anyway now I look back and think I had it so easy then-- decisions had no weight, because of youth. No decision was permanent or had a meaningful effect because you always knew that 5 years down the line you could change your mind. Innocence was so sweet. I recall my old friend Serge from youth, he always used to say "voulez vous?" and then giggle his head off. Can you imagine being so young and embarrassed as to be unable to say the full sentence, but still blush like a rose from the first two words? or to be young enough to be entertained by his giggling? At this age, if someone giggled so shyly so easily, I'd dismiss them out of hand. You know what I'd prefer. So I always looked forward to getting to this age-- but what a bloody let down. I'm more fucked up now than I ever have been in my life. Or maybe its just that some things are viewed as "acceptable" or "formative" when you're young, but the same actions are "irresponsible" or "fucked up" when you're older. When I was 18 I had a finger plan, do you know the sorts of raw text I used to put in there? We all did, without a second thought, for the rest to see. I remember for a long time I had all the lyrics to Something up there. Here:
i'm down to just one thing.
remember that? But I am disappointed. Remember that old quote? what was it. oh yes:
I searched for great human beings; That was a favorite for a long time.
Oh, I'm sorry. Should I finish on a nicer note so you can call this The Feel Good Ramble of The Summer? Oh okay, okay. Gosh, I really like Haagen Daz chocolate sorbet. 'Course it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live.
I'm allowed to be in a bad mood, right? Fine, let's leave it at that for now.
Blecghck 1/30/03
Holy bajesus, I really feel like crap today. My nose is running continuously-- and I do mean that literally. It's running right now all over the godamned place. I have to stop what I am doing or thinking very 70 seconds to locate a recepticle and blow my nose into it-- at which point I either annoy or gross out anyone within ear shot of my cubicle. I have already stopped to blow my nose 3 times during this tiny ramble!
Additionally my head is aching like crazy, my belly is bothering me, my ovary hurts, my calves are sore, my chest is congested. And it seems everyone I am in contact with today is also in the crappiest of moods-- none of us can cheer the other up, because everyone feels like today is simply a Truly Awful Day. Oh god it sucks. And yet there are still miles to go before sleep. Last night I couldn't even fall asleep no matter what I did. Not until 2am when deliriousness set in. Else I was having nightmares while I was awake. How do you like that! Someone come keep me comforted tonight and distract me from how crappy I feel. I live right here, you'll find me.
I would swoop down and save me from myself. 1/26/03
Well, I figured out, figured out how to do everything perfectly, to be perfect, to never be injured, never fail or falter, never err, never disappoint or be disappointed. To achieve exactly what I set out to. It's amazingly simple, so much so that it seems pointless to state it-- you know what the answer is. Today I ran my 2nd 5k, but it was also my first 5k with a timing chip in my shoe-- thus my "fancy official" time will eventually be posted and 31 minute will be declared worldwide as Shannon's Personal Goal for the 5k run. EXCITING, no? I thought so! Never mind it was freezing-ass cold, baby! I pushed my limits and it was great. So anyway I think the other drooling toothless hairless half-blind geezers that I'm hangin' out with in the home would prefer to hear my long list of fuckups and failed attempts than a square box of perfection. ;-) I'm going to have my own cable show that no one watches, called The Wehani Hour with Shannon, you can bet on it. I've already taped 3 episodes. I think you need to eat some before you see it-- go out and buy a little wehani and think of me. I dare you. Think of me in my purple hat with a jar of pickles in one hand and a whip in the other.
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shannon@sleckey.com