Random Ramblings

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So this ends the Texas Ramblings. I hope to be back here some day, at least to visit.

I know why it is taking me so long to leave. I bloody well love Austin. And the people. And this road trip is not going to be a picnic, either. But at least New York City and my Family and some Great Friends are waiting at the end of the journey. Not a bad destination at that. Only time will tell how I construct my life from this point on. I'm curious to see what I can pull off. Maybe this time I'll seek money instead of knowledge.

This could be the most unsettling feeling I have ever had.

But I am maintaining a certain level of numbness. And my friends have been telling me how good I look, despite things such as being dirty, wearing slept-in clothes, or not sleeping at all. Thank god for that.

I'm not sure if this is the most accurate assessment, but it seems that all I have at this point is my Saturn, and about $2000 in debt. But I look good.

I've tried for two days to think of something profound to say, for my Last Ramble in Texas. But I just can't DO it. When I do think of anything that even seems profound, in some sense, I don't feel comfortable posting it here.

I'll say, on the fluffy side, that I love Austin. And I love a few people here. And in closing, I am a wee bit nervous and a wee bit thrilled at the fact that I simply Do Not Know where I will be this time next year.

There are a few more days left of Finals. Even more importantly, there are only ten days left before I leave Texas! The summers here are supposedly BOILING hot, and I will be glad to avoid experiencing the heat first hand. I will be spending the summer months in... Los Alamos, New Mexico. You probably could have guessed that.
I am going to miss Austin.

In 10 days I will pack ALL MY CRAP into my lovely Saturn, and drive and drive and drive from Austin, Texas to Los Alamos, New Mexico. I'll probably sleep in Lubbock.

The prospect of doing this drive AGAIN is not quite as thrilling as it was the first time. I have made this drive 3 times already. I already KNOW that Lubbock is like the Twilight Zone.
Maybe I should drive along a new route. Perhaps drive thru El Paso instead. Just so I can say "Pass the Old El Paso", or perhaps buy some Picante sauce that was made in "New Yawrk Cittee".

What a terrible ramble. I should be reviewing for finals. I'll ramble again after they are done.

My Dad sent me an email saying this:

You've been out of New York too long. You have become weak and naive.

It's words of encouragement like this, from my supportive and loving family members, that make me what I am today.

Today I witnessed yet another bizarre traffic pattern. As I was following a Mitsubishi 3000GT going about 20 mph, I realized a strange configuration of cars had formed.

All cars in sight had moved into the right lane, and were driving at this biking-speed of 20mph. It was as though they were making room for me to zoom by.

Not Quite.

As I moved forward along the string of cars (I was the loner in the left lane), I discovered there was a policeman driving along on the road. Now, I can understand not speeding near a cop, but this was over the edge. No one would enter His Lane, and no one would pass him even though he was doing 30 in a 35.

So, when I reached the cop, I cut in front of the long line of cars and pulled up next to him at a stop light, ready to zoom past him when it turned green. (I was feeling a little risky-- I wasn't going to speed, just pass him at the speed limit).

Sitting at the light, the police car slowly rolled up so he was even with me. Then I heard his Voice. Suddenly my courage disappeared, and I shut the radio and looked over with a confused, scared little face.

"A little gutsy, aren't you?"

My mind was racing, as I had no idea what he was talking about. I wondered if he could see my registration sticker that expired 2 years ago. I wondered if it was illegal to have non-Texas liscence plates. I expressed my confusion by looking all around, as though trying to "find" what I had done wrong.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

He responded with, "Just a little gutsy. Everyone else waits for The Cop to go." And he smiled and chuckled.

The light turned green and I drove off, ahead of him, at 35mph.
The cops aren't too bad here in Austin.

Something very strange is going on. I cannot explain it. Perhaps something to do with the beautiful weather. Let me tell you what I have observed:

There are a set of people, driving sexy little sport cars, who drive like my grandmother. Note: my grandmother is deceased. This morning, for example, there was a young adult driving a Turbo Datsun 280ZX, who allowed herself to be passed by me, driving my Saturn with about 5 horsepower. Then again, I am a New York driver. But she also allowed a Toyota Corolla with Texas plates to pass her. After that she was long behind me, but I expect that entire armies of economy cars left her in the dust as well.

People like this should be shot.

It's getting kinda warm. It's hitting 93 degrees today. It's almost time for me to evacuate the area. A few more weeks and I will pack everything into my car, again, and drive off into the sunset. My destiny calls and I go. The wild winds of fortune shall carry me onward, whither so-ever they blow. Whither so-ever they blow, onward to glory I go.

I quit smoking for 36 hours this weekend. Just to see if swimming would be easier. And it bloody well was. I swam for miles without losing my breathe. Miles, I tell you.

I noticed that no matter WHAT I say in my calculus classes at 11am and 1pm, they always have this Blank Stare on their faces. But in my 5pm class, they seem to just laugh at me continuously. I dont mean because I am funny, but rather they seem to take humor in my very existence. I don't know what to make of it.

Last night I was staring at a problem and I couldnt figure out "where the 2 came from". You know the feeling. Somehow, despite the BS in math and a year of research and a year of grad school, I could not for the life of me recall that (w^2)' = 2*w*w' There is no explaining this, except perhaps to say that my brain is rapidly deteriorating. It's melting. It's ceasing to be.
Oh, now I remember. It's FINALS time. It's the perfect time for me to forget things that I learned in calc 1, heck, the things I taught in calc 1.
Please send help.

Today I quit smoking for 9 hours.

Then I switched to Camel Lights. I hate lights. I feel like a moron just holding the pack. It's like I'm expecting that kindler, gentler sort of cancer.
But this morning in the pool, I was coughing up a storm between... laps. Yeah. Oh, who am I kidding I was coughing between strokes. So anyway, I thought I should maybe stop smoking. I guess 9 hours without a cigarrette doesn't count for much. I do that every time I sleep late.

I assume there are entire cults of people that have bookmarked this ramblings page. Well, I hope ya'll (HA!) check my home page as well. I put a nice little problem on there about choosing a mate for life. My Home Page .

Thank you for the beautiful flowers you gave me. Unfortunately, there was a mishap.

I mistook the rose for you.
I glimpsed it standing in the vase, among the daisies. It looked as gorgeous as any living thing could be, especially next to the plain yellow flowers.

But in my err, I took hold if the rose bud and yanked it off the fresh green stem.
The daises and the decapitated thorny stem left something to be desired, so I wedged the head of the rose down into the vase, beneath the water, to offer some nourishment to the plain daises. And it worked, to be sure; They were a brighter yellow the next day.

I saw comet Hale-Bopp last night. You should go to My TICAM page to find out where, when and how to see it for yourself. It was spectacular. I took a photograph. If it comes out well, I'll post it on the page.

And when I say that Life is a Peach, I mean that it is precious and delicate and sweet, and most importantly It Is There for the Taking. It has only to be picked from its spot and devoured. One can consume that peach with speed and zest, or slowly and carefully savor the taste. You know what I'm saying.

I've been keeping the peach on a shelf. I took it down a few times, to slice off small bits for a fruit salad. But I never really made use of the entire fruit. It looked nice on the shelf-- why disturb it? Why risk bruising it? Why risk biting into the pit?

I don't even like peaches. I'd rather a chocolate covered cherry.
I don't know what I'm saying.

There's nothing I can think of that I really need to do that I haven't done already. Not to say that I've done or accomplished much... but rather to say there simply doesn't seem to be anything else I care to do.

My mind is simply blank. There's not a thought in it. Wow. I am an empty vessel. But there are no open ends... the vessel is sealed off completely. Not a drop of information can get in. Sad state of affairs.

I was in my apartment for a period of about 48 hours this past week. I mean 48 hours continuously. I had a little bit of a cold. So I didn't go anywhere. It was kind of a challenge to entertain myself. We don't have a t.v. in my apartment. And my present roomate has been out of town all week. So I just sort of shuffled around on the carpet, drooling, most of the 2 days.

I also went on to an internet Chat Thing. You know what I am talking about? Sure you do. There were some goddamn freaks on there. Of course-- I might not be too far out of that category myself. Actually I met up with my brother online-- pre-arranged, mind you. That boy is very... what's the word... confident. Almost cocky.

Amazing. Brings to my attention the difference between males and females in math. The confidence levels are on two completely different planes. I've heard the observation, made by a professor here, that male students will tend to be so confident of there statements, and that they will defend them to the end, in any way possible, regardless of whether it is actually Right or not. Whereas this professor observed that female students, even if they are dead sure their answer is correct, will be very hesitant to assert it, for example by phrasing their statement with, "this is probably wrong, but i think..."

Isn't that odd? Why does that happen? Is it an innate characteristic of gender? Were we socialized that way from birth? I don't know. I might tend to think its the former. Unfortunately. Because our parents have the greatest effect on our socializing... and my parents always encouraged me to get into mathematics and the sciences... but I am still utterly insecure about stating any idea of mine.

When I think about it... I suspect the reason I am insecure is because I truly am an idiot, in the most general sense. I am a moron. Sounds like a pretty deep seeded lack of confidence. Or maybe I am just realistic.

Alright let me ramble in the Proper Sense. Did you notice the counter on my TICAM web page? Your bookmark should be set there. Anyway, the counter is up at like 120 during the past month. How did that happen? Who is reading this? Such thoughts keep me up at night.

What if the students in the calc class that I TA for read this. They must think I have severe mental problems. Or else that I am violently boring. Oh well. I have to assume they MIGHT read it. Therefore I cannot ramble about my TA stuff at all.

Oh sure I can!! I forgot to tell you. Last semester the calculus class, that I was TA for, filled out Evaluation forms about me. Oh, yes. They expressed their honest opinions about me. And I want to share these with you. Some of the more dull comments included:

Shannon was very helpful and concerned about the students.

Shannon explained things clearly. I learned a lot with her.

A few of the more entertaining comments were:

Could be more animated.

Should be more energetic.

Needs to work on arithmetic skills.

Poor things. Unfortunately, I did not heed the advice. This semester I am worse than last semester. I do as litte arithmetic as possible. And I am not at ALL animated or energetic. Sometimes I think I even doze off while I am standing at the blackboard. I wonder if the students notice when I drool on the chalk.

Each one accused the other of abuse and maltreatment. Each one felt like they were carrying all the burdens while their spouse was taking life easy.

I just wanted to run down the stairs and slap them both. The world is full of angry, cruel, selfish people. Why did they get married if not at least to have a safe haven from the hateful world?

These people make me terribly sad.

Check it out!! I have re-ordered these ramblings. From now on, the most recent entries will appear at the top of the page. A kind reader suggested this, and I think it is a grand idea. I also made the font smaller, actually. Tell me if you prefer to have it larger.

Oh yes, It's Valentine's Day . Get to know it. I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend. Why am I addressing my audience so much? I never used to do that. C'est la vie. Anyway... let me tell you about my Valentine's Day Gifts. I haven't given any, but I got some. And that is what counts.

Two days ago I received two boxes in the mail, containing fancy cookies and chocolates, courtesy of my loving mother, nearly 2000 miles away. Such a sweety she is! And yesterday in the mail I received another two boxes, containing more fancy chocolates and other chewy snacks. Those were thanks to my loving friend Bek (see her poetry on my quotes page and her pic on my family page). And today, I was given the sexy gift. I was lucky enough to be given two pairs of silk-- uhm-- red and heart-covered silk items. These came from my loving friend Alison.

So you can see, I am well-loved. Women adore me. Now I just have to work on charming the other gender.

As you may have noticed, one of the paragraphs above contains the first web-page mention of my dear friend Alison. So I think it's high time that we all learned a little more about Alison

Where to begin? Alison may well be the Coolest Person in Texas. And Texas, to remind you, is approximately the size of Mars. I met Alison back in April of 1996, when I visited Austin to decide whether to attend graduate school here. Upon meeting Alison, I knew I had to come. Fate brought us together.

Alison has great hair. The sort of hair that you can stare at for hours, wanting to play with it.

Alison is-- Gee I am using her proper name too much. Let's say "she". She is a graduate student here at UT, heading for a masters in statistics. She is taking some wacky courses like Multivariate Analysis and Analysis of Variance. Really.
Of course if that is right up your alley, you'll want to send her email at alison@math.utexas.edu

Alison is teaching me how to say "ya'll" or "y'all". Wish me luck. Let me practice right now. I hope ya'll are enjoying this ramble. But it's over, ya'll.

OH WAIT. I might as well tell you. You probably can guess, anyway. Last Saturday evening I bought some Nat Shermans. DAMN IT.

I am considering patterning my life after the late Richard Feynman. Surely you, reader, have noticed a few quotes of his that have made it onto my web page. I think my life is shaping up to follow his cue. I'm going to try anyway. I want to win a Nobel prize and have four wives. I wonder which goal will be harder to achieve.

By the way, it has now been 3 whole weeks since my last cigarette!!

Gosh, that sounds pathetic. I felt proud as a typed it, but when I saw the words appear on my page, I realized what a sorry little sap I am. And of course I am a sorry little sap for many reasons other than the fact that I have a hard time quitting smoking.

Let me tell you a little story about coffee. I can remember crystal clearly my first taste of coffee. It was Maxwell House Instant Coffee. Granted, that sure sounds less than thrilling, but to me it was heavenly. It was my very first experience with the delights of caffeine. This drug seemed to give me more energy and vitality. Everything seemed better with coffee. It was delicious. It changed my life.

I can't go on with this. I was going to tell you the details of how I switched to the more expensive brands, then on to automatic drip coffee, then cappucinos and mochas, and eventually to double esspresso's. The point being that, as fancy and pricey as these new items were, they really had nothing more to offer than did the Maxwell House. And the old instant will forever be my favorite, perhaps because it was the first. Hell, I haven't actually tasted it in so long I can hardly recall what it was like. But somehow the memory is still mystical, magical, wonderful.
Do you know what I am saying? Probably not.

My goodness. A few of you actually were sweet enough to email me. One kind reader said the following:

i loved reading your homepage your writing is great. I love the part when you talk about flooring the gas pedal in your Saturn and getting yelled out by the pedestrians i hope you write more about what goes through your mind when you are driving your car.

It was written just like that-- missing punctuation and all. Anyway, I am happy to obligue the request.

What goes through my Mind while I am Driving my Saturn?

The answer is a tad unpleasant. The prevailing attitude in my mind while driving is that of superiority. I assume all other drivers are morons. This means that I need to take control of every traffic situation. Granted, somtimes I piss off other drivers, but usually they feel their anger as I am speeding away beyond their reach... and therefore it is Not My Problem.
I just want to get from point A to point B as fast as possible. And if there are any bad drivers in my way... well, they will suffer my wrath.
I can't think of anything else to say right now.

First ramble of the year. Oh, yes. What can I say? I spent the first week of my winter break skiing in New Mexico, and the following three weeks in New York City. You can only dream of how happy I was for that precious period of time.

But I'm back in Texas now. And I'm happy here to. Yes, I am. I mean it.
I have, yet again, re-set the clock in my car to display the correct time instead of EST. Yes, it's true. I am giving it another go. And...

I quit smoking. Granted, this is the third time. The first time I quit for about 2 months. The second time lasted 11 days. I am presently on my 11th day without cigarettes-- obviously a very critical time. I can't seem to settle on whether I should completely quit, or rather allow myself to be a Social Smoker.

You know what I am wondering right now? I am wondering if anyone reads this web-page. About a year ago at this time, I felt secure that the only humans eyes that ever glanced at this web site where those of my family and close friends.

But in recent months, I have received comments from a few faculty and students, here at UT, regarding my page. Unfortunately comments including questions like "Why did you do that?" and "You've got too much time on your hands!"

Thus, I am now trying to imagine how many hundreds of students and faculty and world-reknown scientists must be reading this web site. The faces are flashing through my mind as I type.

I think I should put a counter on this page. I wonder how to do that. Dang. In the mean time, feel free to send me email if you read my page, shannon@ticam.utexas.edu ...I am so curious to know WHO YOU ARE. And please mention HOW you stumbled onto my web page. Thanks!

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