Random Ramblings
18 days since the quit. I had to sign on here to confess that on my birthday, 9/9, late that night, amidst too many friends and drinks... I had a cheating incident. There was smoke.
BUT I'm happy to report there was no spillage, I was immediately back on the wagon!! You've got to forgive an aging female, right? Of course. All has been well since then, in fact I haven't had any increase in cravings due to that foulup either. I take it as a blessing and keep moving forward!
GO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday 8/29/05 5:45pm
This morning I noticed that I did NOT spend $8 on the way to work. Also, I didn't have my
usual morning feeling of "oh jesus why am i still smoking".
ALL IS WELL so far.
And then just now--- the minor stress of knowing i'll be working late tonight
is apparently enough to create a smoke craving. Go figure.
It's really not that hard to NOT smoke. The problemo is that it's even easier TO smoke.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. After work I'm going running. It had BETTER FEEL GOOD.
Actually the last time I ran was right before I quit. 5 days without a smoke--
i want to feel results when i'm pounding the pavement tonight (Okay, the treadmill,
whateva).
Breathe in. And out. Okay back to work.
Friday 8/26/05 4:35pm
Felix was not ready for me to quit. He actually offered to buy cigarettes if I would just please smoke one with him. FOR GODSAKE. He accused me of hiding cigarettes in my bag, from him. As if hiding MY smokes from HIM even makes sense.
all good so far!!!!! And i will take this moment to notice it's nice to smell good (or at least not like crap)--- rather than thinking "how bad do i stink of smoke?" and "will my boyfriend find me all stinky?"
Friday 8/26/05 4:08pm
For the love of Pete, SEND ME GOOD VIBES, people.
My heart rate keeps flying around, I can feel it. My anxiety is about to rupture.
Luckily, when I leave work today I'm heading to the most relaxing place under heaven.
Ye Old Hair Salon.
Of course there is a long walk from the subway to there. I should make it just fine.
I just remembered the one thing Phillip could say that really does get to me. Let's hope he doesn't
whip that out, or it'll be puff city.
I can stave that off though, with a few runs. HOLY CRAP WHEN WILL IT BE EASY THOUGH, just tell
me that.
Friday 8/26/05 11:55am
Well I passed the 24 hour mark. JEEEEZ it's not easier yet. When I was walking to work, I
swear to god there was a little Fairy Phillip Morris sitting on my shoulder,
bouncing around as I walked, and giving me every reason in the book to go buy a smoke.
He was smooth too.
Phillip: "Come on, you know you want it."
Me: "Well duh, but in a few weeks hopefully I don't."
Phil: "What about right now? Don't you deserve to enjoy yourself today?"
Me: "Well yes... but if I don't smoke I'll save $10 plus be able to run better this weekend."
Phil: "What about right now-- not the money in your wallet, not the running on Saturday.
but Right This Second, wouldn't you be happier if you had a smoke?"
Me: "Shut up."
Phil: "I mean, you're still stopping, still quitting, but AFTER one more cigarette."
Me: "I already quit. Shut up."
Phil: "I"m not asking you to be a smoker, just have ONE cigarette, enjoy it, and quit after that."
Me: "PHIL SHUT THE FUCK UP"
That was my commute to work.
My morning trip for coffee:
Felix: "Have a cigarette?"
Me: "No."
Felix: "Are you gonna buy some?"
Me: "No."
Felix: "Just one? Just one cigarette?"
Me: Are you in kahoots with Phil or what?!?
I survived it. I know I should be on the patch. Well, rather I dont want the patch. I decided to stick out this hell so the nicotene will be OUT of my system sooner, get the pain over with. JESUS IT SUCKS THOUGH.
Thursday 8/25/05 5:13pm
What about walking on the street- to and from the subway? Those minutes exist PURELY
for the purpose of smoking. Now those minutes will just be a thing in the way of
getting home.
I can do it. Will keep a bottle of iced tea in my hands.
Thursday 8/25/05 4:18pm
Holy jesus. Just got out of a meeting, I feel WICKED URGE to go straight
downstairs for a smoke. Always do that after meetings.
Always smoke the second I get out of work at the end of the day too, already
know my body is expecting it, looking forward to it.
But no.
LET THIS BE EVEN SLIGHTLY EASIER TOMORROW. JESUS H. CHRIST.
Thursday 8/25/05 2:23pm
Post-lunch smoke craving. Gosh this is annoying. Feels like my schedule is out
of wack. My heart rate seems to go up at the thought of going for a puff.
Interesting. Reminder To Self: This Sucks, Let's Not do this again.
Breathe in. And out.
Thursday 8/25/05 11:57am
Okay so now I want one, and it's just as a reason to escape my desk.
I suppose I can do that without smoking though.
Must Survive full day. Will survive it.
I noticed I kept postponing this quit because of various events that I didn't think
i'd enjoy if I wasn't smoking. What a dumb excuse. I seriously doubt nonsmokers
are missing out on enjoyment of anything for lack of a puff. Actually being a smoker does
in fact distract from most events, because you keep thinking "when i can i smoke next".
Okay that one passed.
Awake for 3 hours.
So I always take a smoke at 11am. Today I felt the pang at exactly 11:01.
My body saying "Let's Go Already".
Shut up, body. SHUT UP.
Cold Turkey Re-Hab
Thursday 8/25/05
Quitting is a horrible thing. It's physically and emotionally wretching. So why would I want to do it OVER AND OVER AND OVER again? In my 127 quits I've noted all the things that screwed up each one. And so now i've been post-poning the Next quit until the horizon is clear of those quit-breaking situations. But of course: this will never happen. No matter what is going on around me, I am the "thing" to blame for each busted quit.
So since I cannot speak to anyone about this one-- this being quit #128, I will have to ramble. Frankly I need SOMETHING to do with my fingers instead of hold a smoke. And so we begin:
shannon@sleckey.com