Random Ramblings
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Stars when you shine, you know how I feel 12/31/04
Well i have re-written my year-end ramble about 15 times. There is no way to sum it up to my liking.
So instead of drafting, I am rambling directly, like usual. Straight through my fingers to the website.
You don't want to hear about my new year's resolutions. I've written those elsewhere anyway-- on a post-it. Amazing how easy it is to let good habits vanish & be replaced by shit. Just reminds me how absurd it is when people talking about where they want to get "in the end". I think I rambled about that before, but it's quite compelling to me. There is no "place" that you can reach, or action you can accomplish that is going to land you into happiness for-the-rest-of-your-life. Which I am reminded of every time someone says "well as long as it works out in the end" or "as long as Whatever in the end". There is no in the end. And it aggravates me that people keep perpetuating that idea. It screws up people’s lives and expectations. I know people are going through crazy hellish journeys because they are convinced at the end lies happiness, and once they reach that point, they will never be unhappy again. There is no way to change their minds, the idea is so ingrained. I noticed lately that I am so different from when I was young, in all ways. I can barely recognize my younger self as myself. I always looked forward to aging and the wisdom and self-knowledge and peace that come with it. HAHHAHA. Ahem. Really. I've got a lot of that actually. The peace was especially hard-won. The differences between 20-yr-old me (or even 25) and 30-yr-old me are huge. The biggest difference is in my attitude and sense of consequences. There is also the general sense of expecation. At 20 there the expectations are crystal clear. So of course I excelled at them. Of course. At 30, life is so wide open that one's head can spin like a dradle. Wide open can seem like a big black hole, or like a bright vision of lights. Depending on hormone levels. Excelling at whatever I happen to be doing at the moment didn't always seem worthwhile because it was so ill defined what the purpose or expectation was. I reached a plateau about a year ago. I'm sure I mentioned it. I've found a small path upwards from here though. We'll see where it leads.
On a totally separate note, I've been dreaming of moving for quite some time. Leaving NYC. For a new experience and new life. I'm only 30, I've got 9 lives to live. I've had a few already of course. I've always imagined the wonderful experiences I associate with a few favorite locations. But the past 24 hours, I've had a flood of what I would lose and miss on leaving NY. The list is endless, and some of the items are too large to even fit into words. But then, right now as I write this, my sign comes, as signs have come all year, this song has begun to play:
Moon River, wider than a mile,
lucky 12/27/04
Well I have been sick since Xmas eve. All these days off from work and all I can do is lay and blow my nose and cough. At least I have very soft tissues.
Achoo!
long time passing 12/23/04
Well, well, well. I've gotten a shit load of pings. It seems my readers fall into 3 distinct groups, and that these groups actually comprise 70%, 15% and 15% of people that see my rambles.
15% are the friends/family that are online enough to occassionally, out of boredom, surf over and check me out for a minute. Anyway the weather has shifted, there is a voluminous rain plummeting down right now that is surely washing away any of the snow that was trying to stick around for Xmas. Dang. I'd better wash up. I'm home trying to get over being sick. But I can still get myself into the shower, smooth some avocado butter through my hair.
Our cheeks are nice and rosey 12/19/04
Well it's crisp and cold outside, with beautiful icicles forming on the rocks and branches.
It's the weekend before Xmas, peeps. I finished my holiday shopping about 2 weeks ago, but I don't want to feel left out of the rushing insanity, so I'm going to subject myself to the shopping madness by going out to buy myself some flannel sheets today. What could be more wonderful on a cold night than slipping under the bedding to find comfort, warmth and peace enveloping you?
2004 has been pretty good to me. For years and years, when I talk to my dad, he will invariably ask me if I'm "happy". And I've always been confused by the question- what's the point, what does that even mean? I've always answered with a confused silence or search for an answer.
One 12/18/04
Yesterday was one. The one. On one. There's just something- different, always, trembling, wondering, humming. Always humming.
Sunshine Day 12/13/04
I realize that only about 4 or 5 people on the planet read these ramblings, and once in a purple moon they make themselves known to me.
Last year around this time I was rambling about heroine and cocaine. And reader S felt compelled to ask me if that was real or not. I rambled a reply. This year, reader C thinks my ramblings show "problems". So maybe I should put in a Happy Entry to balance it out.
Uhm.
Upsot? 12/8/04
People, listen: I had all the holiday spirit of Hallmark, the Gap, Treasure Island, and the 5th avenue Macy's -put together. I think some little elf krept up with a pin and POPPED by bubble. Last night I didn't get any more wrapping or holiday cards done.
Maybe a little scotch tape on my balloon and I can fill it back up tonight with my girlfriends over sushi.
Bring on the Red Hats 12/8/04
There you go. I've developed a twitch in my left eye. I thought it would pass, but it's been weeks and now I think it's here to stay, part of me. I had just gotten used to my blossoming graceful wrinkles and the idea that one day I may have gray hairs like my beautiful sister does, but now I've got this twitch to adjust to, to become intimate friends with. Maybe I should put mascara on just my left eye-- let the twitch flourish in prominence on my face.
do not adjust your television set 12/7/04
Time is flying beyond control, I can feel it breezing past me. How is it already the end of 2004? HOW, people?
Anyway. My twilight zone time of day is the walk home from the subway to the apartment. Especially when it's so frigid outside that you feel every single second that you are out there. In fact you feel each second more than the last, because you have been exposed that much longer. Although it's a short walk, maybe 4 blocks, the distance and time seem stretched out, slowed down. There is no movement, no sound but the sidewalks as I click along, and the street lights too bright-- each identical and so providing no landmark and leaving me the feeling of being on a treadmill, moving but not travelling at all. With each step I do have a feeling of leaving a moment, a moment of me, behind. I will look 20 feet ahead and wonder what it will be like to be there, in the future. Less windy? more windy? Content? Comfortable? home yet?
Shivers 12/1/04
New York City is getting coooooold, people. And I am lacking in warm pants. Regardless, it's December, the holiday month and I would kill for some decorations. Perhaps Saturday will bring red & green & silver & blue & white into my apartment. Lights and a tree and my oh my. So far I just have a menorah out, with some new candles. Delish.
I hope everyone has as much holiday cheer as I do. :-)
11/30/04
How extravagent you are.
Le Beaujolais Nouveau Est Arrivé! 11/29/04
Well I'm back from France-- I know you missed me. You can rest easy now.
As of now my apartment is well stocked with the basics of french living- cigarettes, Beaujolais Nouveau, chocolate, macarons, cookies, cheese, and frois gras! New York is freezing cold but clear, refreshing and delicious to the eye. And it's December! Time to decorate & sing & be a doof and focus on the nourishment that comes from pumpkin pie & good friends. I may as well start being doofy right now and say that I am so thankful for having such a wonderful little family, and such great, fun, supportive friends. I am truly blessed.
I never knew the joy of spring 11/19/04
til November in Paris.
whom can I run to? what have you done to.... my heart? Pardon. I'm off to Paris tonight!! So stoked I could spin like a top! Chocolat, croissants, fromage, the beauty, the art, the coffee.
Subway 11/17/04
For the first week or two, I was ready to just put all my shit BACK into boxes and find a new apartment closer to my office. An HOUR on the train is a long time. If I was rushing to work but was forced to sit still and count the minutes, every 10-second delay pilling up, it was infuriating.
But then-- oh then, I found the most wonderful opportunity before me. Imagine-- 2 full hours a day where you cannot do anything but sit-- no working, no chores, no thinking, no talking, just sitting. A blessing in disguise! Up until now, for years and years, I've done a shamefully small amount of reading, generally blaming my "slowness"-- it would take literally months to finish a book, and in fact it was rare I actually did reach the end due to losing track of the book or losing interest as weeks went by with only a page or two being read. Well honey-- now it's all about me and the books EVERY DAY for 2 whole relaxing refreshing carefree hours. In just a month I've read Of Mice and Men, High Fidelity, Oryx & Crake, and I'm halfway through A Year in Provence. Each one a delicious adventure of it's own.
Fly me to the Moon 11/15/04
oh god I fucking HATE flying. I would pay $1M to be teleported to Paris rather than fly. I would pay almost as much to be able to sleep on the flight, but I'm always bugging out too much to sleep. And I can't take a sleeping pill for fear of the economy-class-syndrome blood clots. Frustration beyond compare.
The last time I flew, which was to Chicago over the summer, I was wigging out the minute we started to take off. On instinct, I lunged over and grabbed onto the guy next to me. It was luck of the irish that he was not pissed off, but in fact told me to feel free to clutch his arm at will. Then he told me how often he flies, how normal this all is, and thank heavens. That's all I need-- some human to tell me how normal the feelings are. Otherwise I think every bump is a problem.
I'll be a devil till I'm an angel 11/14/04
Well it's everyone, not just me. Relief, then deflation. Relief - I didn't do something to bring it on. Deflation - it's probably not as temporary or fixable as I keep hoping.
Why oh Why do I Love Paris 11/12/04
Have I mentioned, in all my nonsense, that I am going to FRANCE, people? My travel partner is my fabulous friend Sarah.
Here are some photos and me and Sarah.
What really makes me shiver with anticipation is the french pastries, and my favorite pastry of all time, on this entire earth, is the heavenly Macaron. OH my GOD people. The sight of them doesn't look like much, until you have a memory to associate with it. They appear to be tiny little pastry-hamburgers of all the colors in the rainbow, plus chocolate. But when you bite into one... my eyes close involuntarily, there are a mix of sensations at once, there is the feeling of a light pastry, then no-- it's a brownie, then no wait-- it's a mousse, --then flaky again, my sense of taste chasing after the multiple textures and flavors. Each so rich, each so perfect. Oh lord. 7 days from now... I know, I shouldn't be annoucing that I am going on vacation, lest I invite robbers into my apartment. Luckily my roommate Betty will be there to watch over, and bite if necessary.
Days of 11/11/04
oh, People.
Monday Morning 11/8/04
Sick to my stomach, People.
April in Paris 11/6/04
Pack up all my care and woe, here I go, singing low. Bye, bye, blackbird. Where somebody waits for me. Sugar's sweet, so is he. Bye, bye, blackbird. No one here can love and understand me. Oh what hardluck stories, they all hand me. Make my bed and light the lights, I'll arrive late tonight. Blackbird, bye bye.
You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
High Fidelity 11/5/04
Well this cannot be. I have been reading this book (High Fidelity) and what up. I was told, before I began it, that it unlocked the secrets to the male mind, that it perfectly depicted the way men function. I was told this by a male.
This Cannot Be. It can't be this sad, and secondly, how could I man admit to this openly? The main character of this book started of quirkly, cute, interesting, self-probing. Now it's become clear there is no depth behind his choices or his actions or his music. He's blatantly pathetic, the kind of guy you'd want to avoid dating at all costs. And this is actually All Men? It's unavoidable? No matter their qualities or interests, at heart they are all self-centered simple-minded plebes following random instincts, looking for the path of least resistance and yet desiring whatever they cannot have while running from the things they can have? Like a dog? NO YOU CANNOT PEE ON MY CARPET!
Twisted 11/4/04
Since I've been reading High Fidelity I realize it's perfectly valid to connect experiences and feelings to music, especially when you haven't got the right words yourself.
Today the words in my head are
And I'm feeling good
Don't get me wrong, I still have my nausea, I am still trying to recover and find resolution from that complete asshole being re-elected. On a separate note, I don't like the way my mind works. Supposedly the first step to changing that is to be ultra-aware of how it does work, but that is only making me a billion times more irritated, and in fact mad at myself for thinking the way I do, and at the time I spend on thoughts that are not worthy.
BOO! 10/29/04
We appear to have run out of the good coffee, at home. This morning I had some substitute-- fake coffee, with powdered creamer. Nothing real about it.
Math Test. Oh No. 10/26/04
24 hours of headache. I'm on a sine wave.
for her ass 10/25/04
Start by admitting from Cradle to Tomb it isn't that long a stay. Life is a cabaret, old chum. It's only a cabaret.
It is violently quiet outside. I don't like Mondays.
You love me for My Mind. But sometimes, sweatheart... 10/21/04
Well, well, well. I am in love. And the recipient? It's iTunes. I had no idea. I simply had no idea. It had been around for... years, I don't even know... and I had no clue what I was missing. OH THE JOY the adrenaline, the je ne sais quoi. that reminds me I need to practice french. But the point is, tonight I browsed for a song... and in general it's tough to buy classical music because when you look at all the CD's in the store, there is no way of knowing what the hell is the difference between one CD and the next. And you have to spend nearly $20 to find out what just one choice sounds like.
So tonight... ah, tonight. Who knew it was just sitting there... all this time just waiting to be untapped? Of course I didn't go onto iTunes until 10:30pm... so I might just be losing sleep over it. But oh, the bliss.
Foggy 10/19/04
Time to get back into a schedule, peeps. Monday this, Tuesday that. Nice to have it all laid out, then you just spend the week floating through it, always knowing where to be and what to be doing. Decisions already made in a 5-minute stretch before the week began.
It is so gray outside, some of the leaves are going straight from green to brown. I darn near slipped on them all last night.
Rainy Days 10/15/04
I hate days like this.
My mind slips into a spin, it's dizzifying, cloudy, hard to think. Would rather be asleep than anything. Wake me up in about 6 weeks, please. or 6 years.
Edwards is hot. 10/5/04
You know what else sucks? Unpacking.
I have a new roommate named Betty. She regularly burps and passes gas right at me. And she's always looking for attention. And she smells kinda stinky. Hey, I will go put her photo on my Roommates photo page.
Vote for Kerry 10/1/04
You know what sucks? Packing.
Falling 9/27/04
Good things all around. 3 weeks not smoking! Go me! Peripherals are falling into place, be that closer or farther. I am surrounded by fateful coincidences, assuring me I am on the right path (or in the Matrix).
And yes, you read right folks: rambling from NY. Not just one of the states that will help kick Bush's ass out of the white house, but NY-fucking-City. That's right. I am moving! Right now! I will live and work in manhattan, the best place in the world. Time to commence NYC ramblings! However my commute will be the size of Texas. But never mind that. I will command respect when I say where I'm from! However I will pay more taxes. But never mind that. I'm quite stoked. Boxes are packed, bills are paid, utilities are shutting off. Time for a new journey. If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. It's up to You. New. York. New Yooooooooork.
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shannon@sleckey.com