Random Ramblings
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Our love is here to stay 3/15/04
This morning I was walking to work and saw 2 old women with canes-- they reached an intersection, and one stepped off the curb, and the other yelled at her "GET back on the curb! you'll get hit!" and for some reason
THAT reminded me of Bek yelling at me in the canoe in the Colorado River. Odd. Like when we're 80, crossing the street will be our adventure and only one of us will know how to do it.
The darkness comes and the darkness goes 3/14/04
First quarter results are coming out. :-) Spring is about to bust out any day, i can feel it. I can feel myself melting after a long winter.
Dazed 3/12/04
Last night I was so exhausted that I kept walking the wrong way and having to loop back. When I finally reached the subway station, I thought I was exiting, not entering, and so I forgot to pay the fare (swipe the card)... so I just kept slamming myself into the turnstyle, thinking it was broken. I tried Three different turnstiles, slamming myself into each, before realizing I needed to pay to get through.
More coffee please.
I enjoy being a girl 3/10/04
Last night I accidentally wandered into a shoe store on 8th street. One pair drew me in with a gravity I could not resist. The shoe-guy thought I was nuts. I was all "I never spent this much on shoes before" "I never wore a spike heal before" "I never wore a pointy-toe before" "Wow these smell good" The shoe guy's face was covered with shock and he darn-near scolded me "You are strange. You HAVE to wear a pointy toe! It's the style!" Perfect. I bought them, and damnit they look good around my apartment! (they are too painful to wear for more than 15 minutes but so what)
I think you should know 3/8/04
It's such a rare morning to get out of bed feeling clear-headed, but today was my lucky day.
I think you should know 3/8/04
I came here with a load And it feels so much lighter
Moonstruck 2/25/04
Love doesn't make things nice, it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. We're here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts, and to love the wrong people, and die. I've seen this movie too many times. Nicholas Cage kicks ass. :-)
I subsist on air 2/24/04
I keep like fruitcake. Not a worry nor care.
home sick 2/23/04
imagine you're a girl. just trying to finally come clean. knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty. and smiling. and i am sorry, but I am not a maiden fair. and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere. (ani defranco) when I can't find my words, I remember the chicks that got it right already.
Today he told me that my opinions shouldn't be expressed if they hurt someone else's feelings.
But what if that person isn't censoring themselves at all, and freely expresses all their opinions, regardless of their effect on me? I know, that is no excuse for me choosing the same wreckless speech.
If I was NOT censoring, I'd say this: That is fucked up. inconsiderate, disrespectful, inappropriate, and hurtful. He won't tell you so maybe I should. I'm sure you're just going with the flow, day to day, not really thinking outside your box. And of course I still love you, but that doesn't make your behavior any less fucked up.
my heart, lovely hobo 2/14/04
Something of you still taut cisneros
tone 2/12/04
It's as cold as ice. Cold as ass. Whenever it's this cold I feel an instinct to move away. That's why I own instead of rent, I like to control the thermostat, to know how much heat i'm getting, and to be warm whenever I want.
I fucking it hate it when Someone Else can turn the heat on or off without warning, the flick of a switch. Like an ass.
24/7 2/08/04
I think I'm done with the sofa. I think I'm done with the hall. I think I'm done with the kitchen table, baby. Let's go outside (in the sunshine).
i count to ten 2/07/04
today I received an email inviting me to a "magical evening" next Saturday at my favorite restaurant, Metronome. As I eagerly hit REPLY to accept the invite, I realized it was from Metronome's marketing department. The Matrix is playing with me. Despite my wonderful associations with this place, I can't recall what the food tastes like. I have not had dinner there in at least 3 years. You wonder how that can happen.
one you really can surrender with 2/06/04
Oh the weather outside is frightful, yet there's no fire in my home. It's snow, slush, freezing rain and wind and darkness. My leak will be dripping and my toes will be cold. The sort of weekend that makes you want to slice something.
jane, get me off this crazy thing 1/28/04
Don't forget to breathe, as Jane Fonda would say. Tonight I'm going to let my arms pull me through the water, while my legs drag behind flopping in my wake. Sometimes only half of me has energy. Every fourth stroke I'll raise my mouth out of the water just enough and suck in as much air as I need. When I start to tire, I will suck in a new breath every second stroke. This time I'm going to try to do it without pause, just start and then keep pushing. Hopefully I'll be suprised to find I can do it after all. But even if I can't, I will have undoubtedly gone further than I have before.
the impossible dream 1/26/04
Last week I felt like Dulcinea, this week I feel like Aldonza.
lookin' Minnesota but feelin' California 1/25/04
My pusher called me about 6 times this weekend. I did not answer the phone, but I am certain he is having a going-out-of-business rush to disperse his supply. I have given it up though. It is an escape, and a thorough one. But I think I'll try a new experience-- open eyes, exposed arms. Of course this means that if I punch my hand through glass, I will actually feel the blood pumping out.
I did that when I was ten-- punched through glass. And i screamed my fucking head off. Now I think letting the scream out has its own thrill to revel in. Revel in reality. Does anyone do that? Every sip, be it sweet or sewage, can still remind me to savor life. (from cradle to tomb, it isn't that long a stay anyway.) you know what mom would say? You get your buns in the oven and your rolls in bed.
cheap wooden spoons 1/23/04
and i feel much brighter
Loose Woman 1/21/04
oh for christsake. I was sitting on my couch today. I remember when I first purchased it-- oh it was the perfect couch, I fell in love as soon as I sat on it at ABC... big, warm, comforting, happy and full of pillows.
For the first 6 months, or even a year, I never sat on it. I would look over at it and think "beautiful" and "what a waste", the perfect couch, but I was never in contact with it. If anyone else sat on it, I'd imagine the smokey or sweaty smells that must be seeping from them into the fabric, the crumbs that might be dropped into crevices or between pillows, the stains or scratches that could be left. Lord it kept me up nights. I'm not sure when I changed my view, but at some point I realized eventually I'll be dead and what good will that clean couch do me?
Look at it now. It has crumbs, stains, and smells. But crumbs of delicious treats, stains from curling up on it after a meal, and smells from friends and myself. Let's get dirty. Shall we? Beware, Honey.
I'm Bitch. Beast. Macha.
s'awfully nice 1/15/04
I feel like talking about coffee. NO, not the silly kind that the girls refer to these days. Not the whoopee. I mean coffee the way I meant it way back in the day. Real honest-to-god coffee.
I somehow stumbled on it-- and it leaves all the other coffees behind--- all the starbucks, the Seattle's Best, the Dalton's, Ground, Basic, esspresso, lattes, cappucinos, all of them. And I swear to god, it tastes better than even the Maxwell House.
Now this makes no fucking sense at all. I never even looked for such a gourmet kind of a coffee, I knew there was no point. I knew it didn't fucking exist, it could not. So what now? Are my taste buds fooling me? Is it just the weather? Will this Beanery go out of business-- leaving me to have to settle for the bitter starbucks? I'll try to sip slow so I don't spill or burn my tongue. I don't want to waste a drop. I hope it's not the only cup I'll get. And the Coffee Cart Guy selling this special blend--- I think he might have a limited supply. Maybe I can buy up all his grounds, if I am lucky. Keep them all at my place to sip at my leisure.
Ne me quitte pas 1/05/04
now i'm reading too much old poetry, because I can't find my own words. Happy New Year, peeps! Good fucking riddance to 2003. A shitty year for some of my peeps, including myself. You see what I mean about having no words to use. I'm feeling very dry, my eyes and my throat. I need a river to replenish.
j'aimerai oublier le temps.
honey 12/09/03
shades and shadows undulate in my perception.
je veux les deux 12/07/03
I think I'd like to have both at the same time. That has never happened before, and in my actuarial estimate its not even possible.
Snowing, Sugar clusters falling everywhere 12/05/03
Well, well, well. It's freezing outside, and white as sugar. It looks so delicious I just want to dive tongue-first out the window. But I'm inside sipping Carte Noir, which I brought back from Paris. Sans sucre. I am myself today.
Climbing as we Fall 11/27/03
It's really "I sleep with the cat, when no one will have me" but I'm allergic to cats. Happy Thanksgiving, All!
Je dirai les mots des poemes
Winter is getting closer 11/19/03
I sleep with my pillow, when no one will have me. The past two nights I slept with my pillow-- the one that usually sits on my bike. No one's pillow. I tucked it under me, and curled around it. I think I did it because of the chill... but my reaction was unexpected. All my senses went back ten years to when I used to sleep around a pillow all the time. I think even the smell was the same. And the feeling. When I opened my eyes I couldn't believe 10 years had passed.
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shannon@sleckey.com